Coping

For those of you reading this post, I will just warn you it is long.

 

Recently, I had been feeling not myself.  I used to think it was just stress until I was feeling angry all the time.  Brian had told me that he noticed I wasn't "myself."  I'm not one to share something like this with everyone, but I wanted to help just in case someone else was going through this too, plus writing about it is therapeutic.  On Wednesday, I had gone to a doctor's appointment and was diagnosed with PPD (Post Par-tum Depression).  I was very bothered by this for several reasons.  The biggest reason was I didn't want people to think of me as being crazy, unstable or fragile.  I think a lot of times we don't want to admit when we are weak and need help.  

Toward the end of my pregnancy and even after I had Jairus, I felt very irritable, short tempered and just angry all the time.  I had talked to friends, a family member and my bishop because I was scared that I might have PPD.  The majority of them told me that I was just stressed and it was just part of life.  They reminded me that it is also more difficult now because I have a toddler to worry about as well as a baby.  One of my closest friends kept telling me something was wrong.  I didn't want to believe it because I felt that I would seem weak and out of control.  One day Brian and I were talking and he asked if I was okay,  I told him yes then asked why he thought I wasn't.  He told me that I just didn't seem like "myself."  I told him I would make an appointment with my doctor to see what she thought.

When I went in for my appointment, my doctor asked how things were going.  I told her everything I had been going through, everything I had thought or said, etc.  She then told me that she was certain I had PPD and wanted to put me on some low dose medication for it.  One of the things I noticed on the label was that I was not supposed to nurse while taking the medicine.  I was kind of upset with the whole situation.  So much so that as I was driving to my sister's house, I got disoriented on the freeway and couldn't remember where I was.  I assume it was from a lack of sleep but also worrying that I was going to be viewed as being crazy eventhough no one knew.  I had turned down my sister's street, pulled in the driveway, got out and started walking to the door when I noticed something was off.  Something was wrong.  It wasn't my sister's house I pulled into.  It was her next door neighbor's when I could have sworn I pulled into my sister's driveway.  Later when I was driving home, I was a couple blocks away from my neighborhood.  I remember seeing a stop light and pushing on the brakes to slow down.  The next thing I know, I was rolling into the back of the vehicle in front of me.  Thankfully there was no damage to either vehicle, everyone was okay, but the thing I thought was weird was the vehicle in front of me didn't even pull over or anything to look at their vehicle, so I just went home.  I was pretty shaken up though.  I personally think that my blackout or whatever you want to call it was a combination of stress and fatigue.

 

Today, I was talking to a really good friend and found out she had gone through the same thing (PPD) so we talked about it for a while and she brought up some really good points.  She reminded me that eventhough I'm going through this tough time, I needed to rely on my Heavenly Father and council with him through prayer.  It was nice to be able to talk to someone who had been through the same thing that I could relate to.  The great thing about this experience was that I found a great friend.  We told each other that if we needed a break even if it was just for an hour to breathe, would would take each other's kids.  It was so nice to have that kind of support.  We also decided that to help each other, we would schedule a girl's movie night where just get together at someone's house and watch a movie or something, that way we still get adult conversation and the kids can play together so we can kind of relax.  I am truly grateful to be blessed with such wonderful friends.  For those of you who hung in there and read this whole post, thank you.  And a big thank you to my dear friends!  I LOVE YOU!