Late Night/Early Morning Reflections

Today, I woke up at around 12:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. This seems to be a recurring thing lately. I have been filled with anxiety due to everything that is going on, but mostly with regard to the likelihood of homeschooling our four children while trying to go to school myself. It feels at times like a monumental task. I am constantly second-guessing myself wondering if I can actually do this and how I will do it all. I have been incredibly worried that I may miss something critical to their education. I have felt overwhelmed yet excited to be able to teach my kids in the way that I feel is best. I think that venturing into this new part of my life will definitely require me to rely more on the guidance of the Holy Ghost and trust God that I am not messing up my children. After all, this is part of my sacred responsibility to teach my kids.

I have found myself wishing life was different, wishing life would go "back to normal", wishing my kids could go back to attending school like before and also wishing that I could attend the temple to receive the added strength and peace that I need. I have mostly felt sorry for myself instead of taking this opportunity to do family history or updating my journal. 

Looking back on the last couple of months, I realized how much time I had wasted by complaining about what I couldn't do anymore because of COVID-19. I have wasted so much time by continually focusing on my frustration rather than my blessings. I would see others around me exercising their agency to be with family and friends, which I desperately wanted, despite local government advice to "stay home and stay safe." I noticed i would become frustrated with many good people I knew because  they refused to social distance or wear masks while our family was "stuck at home" not socializing at all which only added to my frustration. I became confused about whether this all was politically driven or if I should continue to be cautious. I was focusing too much on those around me instead of my focus being heavenward.

This morning, I started reading some of my older posts from Facebook where I had shared talks from General Conference or scriptures that touched me and I felt as though those messages were being spoken to me again by the Spirit. I felt like I was being instructed and taught a valuable lesson. I had come across this video from President Nelson, Elder David A. Bednar, and Elder Ronald A. Rasband talking about the temple and giving a virtual tour of the Rome, Italy temple. While watching this video, I felt like I was walking the halls of the temple again. Just being able to see inside the temple brought me a sense of peace that I needed. I desperately miss being a part of temple services and walking the halls of the temple. A thought had occurred to me though. I wonder if perhaps the reason for this closure could possibly be so that we can have the time to do family research so that we can take more names to the temple. Perhaps this is a time for us to slow down and focus more on the gathering of Israel on the other side of the veil. I know I have not kept my focus where it should be. 

During this pandemic, I have had times where I would connect more with my kids without really realizing it and being grateful for it but instead, I focused on what I was missing. It has taken me many days and many sleepless nights and being up at 4:30 in the morning to realize this important lesson. I know I have not been showing as much gratitude as I should be. I am however grateful for the important lessons I have learned these past 4 hours. I'm grateful to be strengthened by past experiences that I haven't necessarily written down but had recorded on social media regarding the words of a living prophet and apostles as well as from the Book of Mormon. I'm grateful for my family's health and for the fact that my husband wasn't put out of a job during this time. I'm grateful we've been able to provide for our family's needs. I'm grateful for the use of technology and being able to still stay in contact with family and friends even if it isn't in person. Thanks be to God for this realization. Gratitude goes a long way. I know that as we count our blessings instead of focusing on what we lack, we will be much happier in life. When we choose to show more gratitude for blessings we've received, God will show us that he is in the details of our lives and we are not alone.