Late Night/Early Morning Reflections

Today, I woke up at around 12:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. This seems to be a recurring thing lately. I have been filled with anxiety due to everything that is going on, but mostly with regard to the likelihood of homeschooling our four children while trying to go to school myself. It feels at times like a monumental task. I am constantly second-guessing myself wondering if I can actually do this and how I will do it all. I have been incredibly worried that I may miss something critical to their education. I have felt overwhelmed yet excited to be able to teach my kids in the way that I feel is best. I think that venturing into this new part of my life will definitely require me to rely more on the guidance of the Holy Ghost and trust God that I am not messing up my children. After all, this is part of my sacred responsibility to teach my kids.

I have found myself wishing life was different, wishing life would go "back to normal", wishing my kids could go back to attending school like before and also wishing that I could attend the temple to receive the added strength and peace that I need. I have mostly felt sorry for myself instead of taking this opportunity to do family history or updating my journal. 

Looking back on the last couple of months, I realized how much time I had wasted by complaining about what I couldn't do anymore because of COVID-19. I have wasted so much time by continually focusing on my frustration rather than my blessings. I would see others around me exercising their agency to be with family and friends, which I desperately wanted, despite local government advice to "stay home and stay safe." I noticed i would become frustrated with many good people I knew because  they refused to social distance or wear masks while our family was "stuck at home" not socializing at all which only added to my frustration. I became confused about whether this all was politically driven or if I should continue to be cautious. I was focusing too much on those around me instead of my focus being heavenward.

This morning, I started reading some of my older posts from Facebook where I had shared talks from General Conference or scriptures that touched me and I felt as though those messages were being spoken to me again by the Spirit. I felt like I was being instructed and taught a valuable lesson. I had come across this video from President Nelson, Elder David A. Bednar, and Elder Ronald A. Rasband talking about the temple and giving a virtual tour of the Rome, Italy temple. While watching this video, I felt like I was walking the halls of the temple again. Just being able to see inside the temple brought me a sense of peace that I needed. I desperately miss being a part of temple services and walking the halls of the temple. A thought had occurred to me though. I wonder if perhaps the reason for this closure could possibly be so that we can have the time to do family research so that we can take more names to the temple. Perhaps this is a time for us to slow down and focus more on the gathering of Israel on the other side of the veil. I know I have not kept my focus where it should be. 

During this pandemic, I have had times where I would connect more with my kids without really realizing it and being grateful for it but instead, I focused on what I was missing. It has taken me many days and many sleepless nights and being up at 4:30 in the morning to realize this important lesson. I know I have not been showing as much gratitude as I should be. I am however grateful for the important lessons I have learned these past 4 hours. I'm grateful to be strengthened by past experiences that I haven't necessarily written down but had recorded on social media regarding the words of a living prophet and apostles as well as from the Book of Mormon. I'm grateful for my family's health and for the fact that my husband wasn't put out of a job during this time. I'm grateful we've been able to provide for our family's needs. I'm grateful for the use of technology and being able to still stay in contact with family and friends even if it isn't in person. Thanks be to God for this realization. Gratitude goes a long way. I know that as we count our blessings instead of focusing on what we lack, we will be much happier in life. When we choose to show more gratitude for blessings we've received, God will show us that he is in the details of our lives and we are not alone. 

Play Ball!

Before this whole COVID-19 thing happened, Brian and I had signed up all of the kids for Tee-Ball/Baseball/Softball. They had recently allowed kids to play so we are keeping pretty busy with that. It has been nice to be able to get out and see people again...with precautions of course. They seem to be having fun though. Tali scored her first run! It was fun to see her do so well! She was so excited!

The umpire made her tuck in her shirt. She wasn't real happy about that but at least it looked better. 

 She looks so cute in her softball stuff and her team actually got her favorite color for the shirts. It was supposed to be neon green. 

 This was from Zach's practice yesterday. He is improving from his first practice. I wasn't able to get Silas because Brian and I had to divide and conquer. Unfortunately, half of Zach and Silas's games conflict with Tali's so Brian takes one of the games/practices while I take the other and then we switch the next week.

And here is Jairus. Poor kid got smacked in the face with the ball but at least he was okay. Not even so much as a bruise. He seems to enjoy it. He's made some friends on his team and he also has a kid from his team last year on his team this year. So that's been fun.

First YW Girls Camp 2020

Yesterday, Tali began her first year of Girl's Camp. Her leaders decided to have a morning zoom devotional every morning at 9 am which has been so fabulous! 

Her leaders had dropped off a box for the girls to decorate and leave out on the porch every night. Then, every morning, the leaders would put activities to do in their box that day.

Yesterday the girls got to play some water games- water balloon volleyball and kickball- at the church pavilion. She had a blast!

They also got to participate in "cake wars" where the girls were given a boxed cake mix, some frosting and a glittery gel to decorate with. Tali had received a strawberry cake mix and vanilla pudding. What she decided to do was strawberry lemonade cupcakes. She made the strawberry cupcakes like normal and then we got some lemons and zested them into the frosting and size the lemon juice in it along with a little lemon extract and used powdered sugar to thicken it. She then quartered strawberries and put them on top and sprinkled more lemon zest on the frosting that we piped on the cupcake. This is how they turned out. They were super yummy! We wanted to share them with our friend, Leora since we missed her birthday. 

Today, she received a plain white pillowcase to decorate with two colored fabric markers-orange and green and also stuff to make smores. 

She even shared her marshmallows with me!

This is how her pillowcase turned out. I think she did a pretty fabulous job!

She also got to go canoeing with the girls at the lake. They had to wear masks, but they really didn't mind. She absolutely loved it and now, just like me, she wants some canoes.

I'm so glad she is enjoying herself. Especially with not being able to do the normal type of camp. Tonight, I decided to have the kids sleep downstairs in the tent (because the weather is crazy weird and can't decide if it wants to be spring or summer). It is really too cold to let them sleep outside, so we will be setting up the tent in the basement and letting the kids roast marshmallows and possibly Starburst candies in order to make it feel a little more like girls camp. 

Tali & one of her best friends

She absolutely LOVED canoeing! I think a canoe purchase may be in our not so distant future.

This was Tali's wonderful gift from her secret sister. I thought her secret sister, Holly did a fantastic job on this. That young woman is so incredibly talented! 

My daughter is turning into a pretty great young woman.

Baseball and a Happy Birthday

Our kids have officially been put on baseball/softball teams. Tali's team is calling themselves the Angry Geckos (because their team color is green and they thought geckos were cute), Jairus is on the Giants team, and Zach & Silas are on the YANKEES!!!! Whoo hoo! The boys are all excited because they will all have a Yankees uniform. Tali is liking softball but is not very confident in her skills, but we are working on that. 

For the last few weeks, I have been gathering photos and stories from my siblings in order to put together a book for my mom for her 70th birthday. There were some hang-ups, however, we were able to pull it together somewhat at the last minute. It turned out great and I am so grateful! I have to admit it was great to be able to see family. I had hugged my niece and then my sister and I just broke down. I hadn't hugged someone for so long outside of my immediate family and I felt a huge relief! I really needed that for my mental health. Not that I didn't enjoy the hugs from my own family, because I do. It was just so good to be able to embrace my sister. I knew that none of them were sick or had been around anyone that had been sick, so I was able to let my guard down a little. We were able to have a barbeque and chocolate cake with raspberry filling and ice cream. It was such a good day!  

My mom's cake

 Me and my momma

My stepdad even gave me this painting of his that I really liked. 

This whole quarantine stuff has been awful, but we are pushing through it. I had recently decided to get off of facebook with the exception of my ward page, emergency prep, and BYU-I pages. It was a huge sigh of relief! I'm not as troubled as I have been and I can honestly say that I feel more at peace. 

I am so grateful for being able to get back to some type of normalcy with baseball and being able to spend time with family that I hadn't seen in what feels like forever!

Be of Good Cheer!

Recently, I had come across a youtube channel called Jumping Turtle/My Turtle House Digital Fireside. Every Sunday, they have a fireside with Latter-day Saint writers/authors, musicians, speakers, etc. Last night I was able to finally sit down and listen to a couple of the firesides. It was phenomenal! The speakers I listened to last night were Meg Johnson, John Bytheway, and Hank Smith. It was truly uplifting! It helped to bring the Spirit into my heart which had been weighed down with much frustration, worry, and fear.

As they were talking in the beginning, John Bytheway quoted this scripture from John 16:33 which states: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but BE OF GOOD CHEER; I have overcome the world." Brother Bytheway then stated that "be of good cheer" was a commandment, not just words of encouragement. That really hit me. I definitely could improve in obeying the command to "be of good cheer" especially through this difficult time of COVID-19, earthquakes, riots, etc. I have definitely felt some major unrest! Brother Bytheway, who was actually the last speaker, later quoted Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who said, "I submit to you that this [John 14:27- 'Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.'] may be one of the Savior's commandments that, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed...I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world, when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands or trust in his commandments." - Trusting Jesus, 68. I love Elder Holland, but these words struck me like a bolt of lightning. I know that I can repent and try to do better at being of "good cheer." Brother Bytheway had also stated "Despite what you may be going through in life, we have the power to choose how to act/react to a situation...to act and not be acted upon...Part of being of good cheer is choosing your response."

The first speaker of the night was Meg Johnson. I personally had never heard of her but I loved what she had to say. She talked about how she had become a paraplegic and how she decided to "put her shoulder to the wheel." She stated two things that got her through those thought times and helped her to have a positive attitude was to 1- be grateful and 2- have your own life soundtrack of Christ-centered music. She had stated (I'm paraphrasing) that when we sing from our life soundtrack of Christ-centered music during the stinky times in our life, it will change our perspective. 

The last speaker was Hank Smith. He spoke of anxiety and depression and exhorted others to not give up! He stated that 50% of happiness is due to your DNA. Only about 10% of our happiness comes from our circumstances and 40% of our happiness is determined by our choices. He quoted President Gordon B. Hinckley, whom I absolutely love and whom I admired his positive attitude. He said, "I come this morning with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that we accentuate the positive. What I am asking is that we turn from the negativism that so permeates our society and look for the remarkable good in the land and times in which we live. that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears." I absolutely LOVE that quote! Brother Smith then quotes Elder Holland who said, "Negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak-or at least think-critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. He then spoke of the positivity of Thomas Edison whom many spoke of the 1000 failures he had in creating the lightbulb but he had simply stated that he "had not failed [he had] found over 1000 ways in which it will not work." Thomas Edison looked at every "failure" as a step forward. When he was 67 years old, his New Jersey factory burned to the ground and he said to his employees, "My friends, there is great value in this disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank heaven we can start anew."

I absolutely love and needed to hear the words from this fireside. I know the problems that I face are very minimal to some. I am very much a people person. I love being around people. I love serving them. With covid-19, it has been very difficult to stay at home and having to wear a mask when I go out. I hate wearing masks, however, we have been asked from leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to "use caution" and "be good global citizens." I am very much a hugger and not being able to hug others, with the exception of my family living in my house, is HARD! I need hugs for my mental health. Not being able to go to the temple to feel peace is HARD! Nevertheless, "I know in whom I have trusted" and I can do hard things. This has been very challenging for me. In some respects, I have felt very alone, however, I know that I can have peace, joy, and comfort in challenging times. I know that I can be of good cheer, I just need to change my focus to Jesus Christ and show more gratitude. We can all overcome these challenging times with peace and joy in hearts.